Sprinkles make me happy, too, young child.
When we love someone, do we let them see all the sides there are to us, or out of wanting not to burden them, do we let ourselves break alone? I asked myself that this morning as I was breaking alone.
I was scared of scaring him but scared of breaking alone. And so I chose to break alone because from previous experience, people have promised to stick around but somehow woken up one morning and realised that wasn’t what they wanted to do after all.
Then I thought: “Maybe you should stop trying to be selfless because so many selfless acts end up being selfish. Maybe you should let go of the fear of bad memories and allow yourself to trust. Maybe you should just quit thinking. Maybe you should just forget all the steps and dance the shit out it.”
And as I walked home after beauty retail therapy, I thought of all the reasons why I love him enough to let myself go - why he is about a gazillion kinds of amazing, why he makes me happy. In no particular order:
1) He’s already seen the good and bad for nearly two years.
2) He still loves me.
3) I let him steal the doona. If it were anyone else they’d get a kick.
4) Just as I realised I was thinking it of him, he said he wanted to sleep on my side of the bed because it smelt like me.
5) I feel safe around him (Apart from the times I seriously question his sanity or lack thereof. But then again I also talk to myself and have entire conversations with myself, so we’re even.)
6) When I don’t necessarily want him to spend hours driving his mates around, its not entirely because I miss him and want him around. More often than not its because I know he needs down time for himself.
7) He sits through Desperate Housewives with me and knows the plot better than I do sometimes.
8) He cooks. Anyone who knows me well enough will know that is not my strong suit. (On that note, I attempted making dinner for myself the other night and completely screwed it up and wished he was around to call me a goose and push me away from the kitchen so he could do it properly.)
9) His cuddles are the bomb-diggity.
10) His kisses are even better.
11) According to a friend he is madly in love with me and vice versa. (Passionately madly, not looking at you through the bushes madly.)
12) The way he refuses to let me get out of bed even though he knows we’re running late.
13) He makes sure I have some form of vegetables in my shopping trolley. (He also tries to hide me from the mac and cheese section, but lets me get them anyway.)
14) He says I love you the second I’m thinking of saying it. And that includes all the times he says it when we’re doing stuff I can’t publish.
And that’s about all I can write before I go on a major sap fest and have you reaching for a bucket.
So I’m sorry I stormed out for a walk without telling you, and I’m sorry it made you worry. The way you held onto me afterward made it all better.
(On a completely different note, I really should be working on my mass media essay but I am procrastinating. For about the 98th time this week.)
While I was trying to stop my mind from escaping me in about 50 different directions, I saw a mother giving her kids donuts with sprinkles. And the little girl took a huge bite and instantly had a sprinkle covered face. And she grinned happily and me and jumped up and down. And I thought “Yeah, sprinkles make me happy, too, young child.”
These are the days worth living.
Happy Birthday, Ketz. This one's for you. xx
I am finally starting to feel less burdened. My last few weeks here have been pretty great.
I think its the unencumbered-ness kicking in.
A few words of caution.
- If you can't practise what you preach, kindly refrain from getting self-righteous, because not only is it annoying, its downright hypocritical. Don't tell me what I need to do, what I need to learn or how I need to cope. This goes for everyone. Thank you.
- Please do not approach me when your foremost motive isn't about me, and it's really about something you want out of me.
- Do not continue trying to get me to go out if I say I don't want to. I repeat: I. Don't. Want. To.
Low.
Alone.
Insufficient.
Unneeded.
Inferior.
Celeb Lookey Likeys
Strangely Enough...
I can feel my pulse in my arse.
Hmmmmmmm........
Here Is Gone.
So this it it.
Your exit is my entry into another chapter that probably won't include you.
Your closed door is an open one for me.
I can't say I'm surprised.
All the same I wasn't fully expectant.
Our path has forked.
Ironic really, when you did what you did so it wouldn't.
I hope you enjoy what you missed.
I am only sorry you were not able to foresee circumstances.
Know that I'm not angry, or writing this in spite.
But know that in principle your word was broken.
So to ask for continuity once you go through the departure gate
Is really quite out of the question.
If I should end up where you are, it doesn't instantly mean we'll be together.
If I don't end up where you are, I will appreciate a new start, a clean slate.
Sometimes we have to let it go.
And through this I am learning that.
You'll get your life back and I'll remake a new one.
I love you.
But am I still in love with you?
That is questionable.
Especially so when it appears I'm easy to walk away from.
When the going gets tough people are supposed to stick through it.
Thats why the word endurance means what it does.
Maybe you're just resistant to change and I thrive on it.
Maybe you need someone who will be happy living in your bubble.
Maybe I need someone who is willing to stick around through varying circumstances.
Someone who's seen me go through so much and not judged me once.
You can say your leaving doesn't affect us.
But it does.
It tarnishes the trust.
Without which, I've already mentally started letting you go.
So when you do physically, my heart will not break.
And I will walk my own road
One that leads me back to myself.
21
After some delay (thank work) I've finally got some time to blog about my 21st which was quite amusing.
Firstly - copious cuddles and a big thank you to everyone for the well-wishes, calls, txts, cards, pressies and company. To those who weren't able to be there physically, I missed you.
So! On Friday itself I mostly chilled out at home then my folks came back with cake and pressies. Then a bunch of us - my dearest Nikki, M-m-Monkman, Mato, Jaclyn, Loretta and Jeremy went out to Baladi's in Arab Street, this real cool chilled out Lebanese place. Avoided the whole club thing cos for starters its a tad cliche for birthdays (lol, nearly typed bitchdays) and secondly, I wanted actual audible conversation.
Saturday night, dinner with the folks, some extended family and mates at The Line at the Shangri-La. Yummm.
After which Firyal, Nikki, Jeremy and I packed off in a cab - which turned out to be driven by this INSANE driver who started cursing and gesticulating wildly after some random stopped him and apparently said something equating to a racial slur (the offender was Chinese and supposedly said something about the Indian driver being Indian. Ummmm. Yeah. Sure. The point? I don't know.) Then the driver starts cursing and swearing about something equating to a woman's anatomy (WHY I don't know when the offender was male to begin with.) And then he began swerving like all our lives depended on it (at which point my heart skips a good few beats and I mouth frantically to Nikki - OMFG his hands are NOT ON THE WHEEL!!) and swearing, then rambling about how he's the king of doorman's in hotels in Singapore and he's worked in 56 different hotels. All the while I was gripping Nikki's poor arm for dear life and laughing myself silly cos 1) I was clueless 2) I was a tad scared shitless of this loon and us being at the mercy of his hands not being on the wheel at all the wrong times 3) The Mojito's I had over dinner finally started rousing a headache. Nikki and Firyal were also laughing their arses off while Jeremy was doing his best to remain civil and interested in the driver's rambles, which soon led to "Oh you're pretty lucky, surrounded by beautiful girls." THEN after all this madness, he goes "So, Clarke Quay, right?" to which Firyal slaps her forehead cos she specifically got to the cab earlier and told him in private cos it was meant to be my surprise. To which the mad cabbie goes "Oh don't worry you'll still be THRILLED! IT'S A THRILLING SURPRISE! FULL OF THRILLS!" And I mutter to Nikki "God, I'm supposed to be the drunk one here" then we all silently and simultaneously realise that maybe its actually the driver who's had a few. Did I mention he couldn't decide whether his name was Mike or Mahendran?
Firyal: "Oh my god I'm too tired to laugh anymoreeeee......" while clutching her stomach and leaning on the door. Lmao.
So as you can tell, half the entertainment was getting there.
'There' turned out not to be 'ice cream' (I thought Firyal was ever so slightly mad, considering all the food we had at dinner.). It was China One, where it was her boyfriend Raephael's last night fronting his band, and coincidentally or not, (she and Jeremy obviously did some scheming) all the songs the band played were my faves. (: All rock stuff - Eagle Eye Cherry, U2, The Killers, Franz Ferdinand, The Calling, etc. And even the stuff the DJ spun was my favourite old-school tunes from Joan Jett and Aerosmith. All this while Raphael (the dear that he was, and it was only my first time meeting this guy) attempted to get me sloshed.
Thanks hun, it was an awesome night and I appreciate you planning it. :D
And thank you all for the memories. Here's to more headbanging and laughing til our eyeliner runs.
In other news, I'm now waiting (nervously, at that) for the verdict from the unis I applied to. I have to wait til the end of April to know. Ick.
In other other news, I'm picking at the bits of chipping pink polish on my nails. Told you I was random.
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We're having tiffs/rows every other day and I can't see down the line anymore.
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Ketki, come back from New York NOW and bring back what I asked you for!!!! Decorative ribbon optional. *whinges*
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And now before I start spewing utter bullshit, I'm going to bed.
x
