Sprinkles make me happy, too, young child.
When we love someone, do we let them see all the sides there are to us, or out of wanting not to burden them, do we let ourselves break alone? I asked myself that this morning as I was breaking alone.I was scared of scaring him but scared of breaking alone. And so I chose to break alone because from previous experience, people have promised to stick around but somehow woken up one morning and realised that wasn’t what they wanted to do after all.
Then I thought: “Maybe you should stop trying to be selfless because so many selfless acts end up being selfish. Maybe you should let go of the fear of bad memories and allow yourself to trust. Maybe you should just quit thinking. Maybe you should just forget all the steps and dance the shit out it.”
And as I walked home after beauty retail therapy, I thought of all the reasons why I love him enough to let myself go - why he is about a gazillion kinds of amazing, why he makes me happy. In no particular order:
1) He’s already seen the good and bad for nearly two years.
2) He still loves me.
3) I let him steal the doona. If it were anyone else they’d get a kick.
4) Just as I realised I was thinking it of him, he said he wanted to sleep on my side of the bed because it smelt like me.
5) I feel safe around him (Apart from the times I seriously question his sanity or lack thereof. But then again I also talk to myself and have entire conversations with myself, so we’re even.)
6) When I don’t necessarily want him to spend hours driving his mates around, its not entirely because I miss him and want him around. More often than not its because I know he needs down time for himself.
7) He sits through Desperate Housewives with me and knows the plot better than I do sometimes.
8) He cooks. Anyone who knows me well enough will know that is not my strong suit. (On that note, I attempted making dinner for myself the other night and completely screwed it up and wished he was around to call me a goose and push me away from the kitchen so he could do it properly.)
9) His cuddles are the bomb-diggity.
10) His kisses are even better.
11) According to a friend he is madly in love with me and vice versa. (Passionately madly, not looking at you through the bushes madly.)
12) The way he refuses to let me get out of bed even though he knows we’re running late.
13) He makes sure I have some form of vegetables in my shopping trolley. (He also tries to hide me from the mac and cheese section, but lets me get them anyway.)
14) He says I love you the second I’m thinking of saying it. And that includes all the times he says it when we’re doing stuff I can’t publish.
And that’s about all I can write before I go on a major sap fest and have you reaching for a bucket.
So I’m sorry I stormed out for a walk without telling you, and I’m sorry it made you worry. The way you held onto me afterward made it all better.
(On a completely different note, I really should be working on my mass media essay but I am procrastinating. For about the 98th time this week.)
While I was trying to stop my mind from escaping me in about 50 different directions, I saw a mother giving her kids donuts with sprinkles. And the little girl took a huge bite and instantly had a sprinkle covered face. And she grinned happily and me and jumped up and down. And I thought “Yeah, sprinkles make me happy, too, young child.”
posted by LadyNik @ 1:43 pm
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