It blew up. Again. Before I knew it I was crying and screaming and clawing my fingers thru my hair and I've landed up with two slashes at my temples so now I'm bleeding too. Those three have a very wearing out effect, in case we all didn't know. He was saying how when/if I go clubbing or to a bar I'm going to get hit on and that frustrates him and I interjected telling him he knows I already don't feel like clubbing or crowds in general and if I did go I'd bring a guy friend just for safety measures (if we can call it that) and from that point I just lost it because he was worrying about something that wasn't happening.
I told him I can't take it how I reassure him when he gets jealous or possessed, and for a week or two its fine then WHAM it blows up again. The cycle is will wear me out. And makes me question we're to move on like this. He said he doesn't need reassuring and that the possession is just how he is. And I told him he can't always worry about non-issues and that caring doesn't always mean you have to worry right away or think of the worst. I guess we just have different ways of dealing with things. I just go with the flow and deal with things as and when they come whereas he tends to worry about every possibility right from the start and that stresses both of us out.
At some point I realised I was pretty much non-verbal because I was just lying in bed crying and with my head hurting, and with my cuts stinging up everytime a breeze hit them. Then I told him I had to go, then I turned out the lights and cried in the dark for a while. It was odd being in the dark and hearing children's voices at the playground downstairs. (God knows why they're there at this time of night.) And for once I wasn't afraid of the dark. As only a very few of you out there may know.
I've lost my appetite for dinner. My sister was freaked out when she saw my face. Which is probably very red and puffy from crying, with the cuts thrown in for good measure. And my mom called later and when she heard me she said I sounded terrible.
I don't know what else to think for the moment except that he's trying to react less worryingly and negatively. Because that sure as hell isn't getting either of us or us as a couple anywhere. But I love him so I'm sticking around to try and work things out.
Everybody remind me to breathe.
posted by LadyNik @ 9:42 pm
4 Comments:
The comment about the clubs was a hypothetical. I was going to to go on to say not just clubs but anywhere.
I guess I didn't make that clear. I know you don't like the crowds.
I stopped to let you talk and realised it wasn't (as you said) getting us anywhere.
This possessiveness is getting less.
And at the moment it is amplified by the distance. It can't not be.
That doesn't mean its an excuse.
It hurt you and theres no excuse for that.
Everythings been said.
I don't know what else to say.
I know you meant it hypothetically. Which is why I said you're worrying about things that aren't there.
I'm feeling pretty drained now but I'll get over it.
I love you.
Oh snap!
Thats a good point :(
I can't believe its not butter.
Even when it clearing says "Margarine" on the label.
Yours out of future tickles,
Crazy comment man! *up up and away!*
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