If ever there was a time things were grey, this is it. Grey, yet still black and white. Vague, yet still so clear it stares you in the face and makes you think about what you should do, what you want to do. When your heart and your head decide to play push and pull with you. When you're left in the crevices of your mind with thoughts, memories and all you want are answers.
Things with Jeremy have been...well...we've had easier times. It seems now he's realised what possession does - driving me away, and it seems he doesn't want to be like that anymore. But then that's been said before, and we're fine for a couple of weeks till something else happens.
My Bitch and Scott have always told me not to give up myself for Jeremy. I think that would apply to anyone. And what's happened here is that I started making little changes here and there because it was the easier way out with Jeremy, so we wouldn't have a tiff. Then it grew and as Kelly's told me, I've changed, and it's more than just minor. And I realised how much I have, on top of not expecting or wanting Jeremy to change to be with me, and that hurt. What also hurt is that Jeremy knew I was changing, and he let me, because it was what he wanted. He acknowledged that its selfish and it was wrong, but then he also says that he thought I was just making transitions from being single to in a relationship, and that he doesn't quite know how everything works because he hasn't had much experience where relationships are concerned. Possibly granted, but, question is, if he knew me he'd probably know I was changing beyond what is natural. Kelly reckons him thinking I was just making transitions is bollocks because her ex who was possessive told her the same thing.
Yesterday I told Jeremy how it scares me some to think of long-term with him because of his possession, and how it also scares me to leave because I know he'll take it badly and hurt a lot, and I'll feel guilty. Then he said I shouldn't stay with him out of guilt. And I've had more than just a couple of people who've told me they think I'm doing this out of obligation. Which scares me. So anyway, he's said not to be with him out of obligation, and yet he says he cannot and will not lose me, and that if he does he will be broken because 'there is no Jeremy without Nikki'. He says now that he doesn't want me changing anymore than I already have, but I know that if I am the person I truly am, it will cause us to have disagreements, which over time will lead to fights.
Jeremy and I bonded over a time when I was admittedly vulnerable because I was going thru a breakdown at home and Scott and I were lapsing because he was really busy with work, and as it turns out, it was all working towards him moving here to be with me. Some say ignorance is bliss but I don't think me not knowing that would have served either of us any better. Things with Scott have been great from the start and they still are, even with all that's happened, and even with the time we didn't talk because he said he'd back off so I could focus on Jeremy properly. And in that time we didn't talk, in the time I didn't have him around, it scared me. Inevitably, he's been at the back of my mind. Even so, I didn't expect him to call and a couple of nights ago he did, and, as I already knew and as it is currently, feelings are very much still there on his part. And as I've told Jeremy I won't lie and say I don't have feelings for Scott.
When I think of how if only he had told me what he was trying to do, it makes me wistful. And I know there will be people who will judge me and say its unfair of me to think like that when I'm in a relationship with Jeremy, but I think that with the nature of how things happened - how Scott and I met totally by chance and got along great and still do, with the lapse that was bad timing, meeting Jeremy in the middle of that, still missing Scott, not knowing what to think, being vulnerable, ending up loving Jeremy, while still not over Scott, knowing Scott feels the same, Scott cancelling his trip, Jeremy coming and going, Scott telling me what he was really trying and almost did - I don't think I can be blamed or judged. That's one of the many things I love about Scott - not being judged. With him it's always been total acceptance of the person I am, and a connection that puts us on the same wavelength with so many things. The ability to have levels of similarity and difference that always compliment. And with all that's happened he's been really understanding and patient. And I couldn't ask for more.
I've found out that it is possible to love two people. How each love began and grew is different, but nonetheless, it still leaves me wondering what I am to do. I've been trying, these last few days, to straighten my mind out and go back in time and see how things started, grew, changed, went, came back, trying to make sense of it all, really needing some clarity.
I need someone who accepts and understands me, someone connects with me, someone I can talk about anything with, where things are always open and free-flowing, not limited by expectations. I need someone strong and driven like me yet wanting the same little things out of life that I want. I want us to look into that future together and be able to plan it step by step knowing we're going to have the best possible life together. I need someone who sees and loves all the different faces to me. I need someone who won't try to change me, so I can be myself and be comfortable doing that.
When I think about what Jeremy told me about him wanting to get to know me from ages ago, and how he changed when he first got to know me because he wanted me to see the happy side of him because he says I wouldn't have liked the unhappy one, about how he wanted me to notice me and did what he could to get me.....I don't quite know how to look at it now. Why does he sometimes only realise the extent to which he's hurt me only after it's done? I know we're all human, and I don't want to come across as faultless and demanding, but.......damnit I need clarity.
I know the things Scott (and Kelly) tell me aren't to confuse me further, or to taint my view of things, its because I need more perspective, and I need to stay grounded to the person I am. To the Nikki I always have been.
I'm going to stop writing now. This heart and head stuff is trickyarseshite.
My heart is on my sleeve. I'm being honest and its the only way I know how to be.
In the words of a little bird - "Well my dear, that is a pickle."
posted by LadyNik @ 5:18 pm
1 Comments:
You can't change the way you feel. You did change the way you acted though. The way you used to be was one of the things that makes me love you so much :(
I realise now that when you do get back to your old self, not only will it be better for you but I genuinely will be happier as well.
Do you remember the time I told you that if your not happy, then I'm not happy?
We are inextricably intertwined my love, both emotionally and *cough* physically.
I put us here.
I got upset over things.
So its me that has to change.
I will always love you Nicole.
Brighter than sunshine.
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