This time it's really drained me of all thought, feeling and reaction.
Certain issues, which I will not get into now, perhaps later, have arised, concerning Scott and I. As is the norm in a relationship, I told Jeremy about it, knowing there's nothing I expect him to do in terms of solution or help, and because there wasn't really anything he could do, understandably. He listened.
And told me he wished I didn't care about it because for one, it was added shit I don't need. Granted. Then he also said he didn't want me caring about it because it implies I care about Scott - which I do, and I always will. He said everytime Scott and I talk it reminds him of how close we are, and then he went on to say he wants to be more than all that for me, and I.....I'm so blank now. Why the comparison? And now he says he'll just shut up about it, so I'll be happier, when in actual fact he's just holding back how he feels, and I don't want to keep things from him so when I'm honest it just wrecks us. How does that make sense?
I've never felt this hollow, this cold and this unreactive. It's like nothing he says registers or has any effect on me, I literally have nothing to say to him, and when I hang up, I fling the phone at my bed and cry just a little. I feel like one of those patients in a mental institution you see in the movies - the ones who just stare at walls looking blank and when pushed the wrong way, explode. Earlier on the phone he asked me to tell him how I've been hurt by him, and I just got so angry I started ripping pages from a magazine and flinging the rest at the closet. Last night I nearly took a blade to myself. Not in a screwed up chick over boyfriend kind of way, but in the way that I was so frustrated, angry over things and I had nothing to physically take it out on, and I was ready to break something with my bare hands but couldn't, and in a warped way sometimes seeing yourself bleed makes for not taking it out on something else.
I feel as if this isn't something that's just going to disappear. How I'm feeling now. It pains me.
Amsterdam - Coldplay
Come on, oh my star is fading
I swerve out of control
If I'd, if I'd only waited
I'd not be stuck here in this hole.
Come here, oh my star is fading
and I swerve out of control
And I swear I waited and waited
I've got to get out of this hole.
But time is on your side, it's on your side now
Not pushing you down and all around
It's no cause for concern
Come on, oh my star is fading
And I see no chance of release
And I know I'm dead on the surface
But I'm screaming underneath
And time is on your side, it's on your side now
Not pushing you down and all around
It's no cause for concern
Stuck on the end of this ball and chain
And I'm on my way back down again
Stood on a bridge, tied to the noose
Sick to the stomach
You can say what you mean
but it won't change a sin
I'm sick of the secrets
Stood on the edge
tied to the noose
She came along and she cut me loose
You came along and you cut me loose
posted by LadyNik @ 4:34 pm
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